Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Team Picture Day

(To see the rest of the entries/prompts in this contest, go here.  Reminder: You have until 8/10 to comment on my card draft post for a chance to win....something.)
Scene:  The last Padres exhibition game before the regular season begins.

Upper Deck Photographer (UDP):  Hi guys, thanks for showing up on time.  We're here to shoot the team picture.  I'm gonna need the tall guys to line up in back, "scrappy" guys in the front, coaches on the ends.

Tony Gwynn (TG):  Bochy ain't here!

UDP:  Who?

TG:  Bruce Bochy!  Our skipper!

UDP:  I didn't know you guys had a yacht.

TG:  Don't go getting sassy on me, picture-man.  He's the manager.  What were you going to do - take a team picture without the manager?

UDP:  Ideally, no...

TG:  Exactly.  So put your camera down, sit down there in the on-deck circle and we'll wait for him to get here.  <yelling at team>  Y'ALL CAN RELAX - SKIP AIN'T HERE YET!

Trevor Hoffman (TH):  <walking over> Let me see that giant camera, picture-man.

UDP:  I'd prefer if you didn't.

TH: <snatching camera away>  Look at me!  click-click-click   I'm the picture-man.

UDP:  Very funny, sir.  I can tell the heat of wearing a rubber jacket in the sun isn't getting to you at all.

TH:  click-click-click  I just took a picture of Wally Joyner.

UDP:  No you didn't...

TH:  click-click-click Yes I did!  I'm the picture-man!  Are you getting worried that I'm gonna steal your cushy, full-time job?

UDP:  Well, it's mostly freelance work.  There aren't benefits, or vacation days, or corporate picnics, or...

TH: <interrupting> I wish I could set my own schedule.  I've gotta bust my hump pitching in 50, maybe 60, games a year.  It's a total grind, let me tell ya.  click-click-click   Hey....I think you're out of film, picture-man.

UDP:  I suppose that's for the best.  Well...this has surely been quite the aggravating experience.  I'll take my camera now.

TH:  Gimme some more film.

UDP:  Why the heck would I do that?

TH:  So I can take more pictures.

UDP:  <screaming to crowd>  IS BOCHY HERE YET??!!

TG:  Skip says he'll be a few more minutes.  He's filling out the lineup card and can't decide whether Quilvio Veras should hit 7th or 8th.  It's a real mental quandary.

TH:  I want to hit 8th!

TG:  Ain't nobody gonna let you hit, closer.  So just get that through your thick, redneck skull.

TH:  No problem.  Hook me up with some more film, picture-man.

UDP:  <sighs>   Fine.  We're gonna be waiting awhile. <tosses roll of film to Trevor>

TH:  <miraculously loads film correctly>  Oh man...a fresh roll.  I can't wait for digital cameras to be commercially available so that we never run out of pictures!

UDP:  You and me both, but it is still 1997.  What are you taking pictures of now, sir?

TH:  I'm taking a picture of the Friar. click click

UDP:  Oh, that's good.  We can use that in our "Mascots" inserts.  What else?

TH:  I'll take a couple of Alyssa Milano -- she's standing over there. click click click Looks like she just came from the team store.

UDP:  I suppose that can be part of the "Fans of the Game" subset.  Keep going, Trevor...what else?

TH:  I'm gonna take some of Oscar Azocar.  He's always romancing his bat. 

UDP:  Umm....that's more of a Topps thing.  Bochy will be out here any minute -- I'm gonna need my camera back.

TH:  click click click.  Check this one out!  I just took a picture of Brian Giles grabbing some guy's butt and crotch at the same time!

UDP:  Firstly...poor guy.   Secondly, how is that even possible??  Brian Giles plays for Cleveland now!

TH:  Maybe you gave me the time machine camera, picture-man.  I've got a good feeling that he'll be coming over here in 6 or 7 years -- Mark My Words.

UDP:  Yeah, right.

<Bochy emerges from the dugout>

Bruce Bochy (BB):  Alright, I want the infielders running sprints and the pitchers shagging fly balls while the outfielders and catchers take BP.

UDP:  Excuse me, sir, but it's team picture day.  I'm the photographer from Upper Deck.

BB:  Where's your camera?

UDP:  Oh, Trevor Hoffman has it.  He's been helping me take some pictures.  I was worried at first, but I really think he got some good shots.

BB:  Get over here, Hoff.  <Trevor jogs over>  Good shots, eh?

TH:  Yeah, skip.  I'm a veritable Annie Liebovitz.

BB:  I'm shocked you know who that is.  Do you know what else you gotta do to get good shots, Hoff?

TH:  What, skip?


<Trevor shrugs and jogs away>


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